my 90210pinions: Hollywood Forever

Another Tuesday, another episode of 90210. and this week, I must give credit where credit is due: it was totally watchable…for an episode of new Nine Oh.

And now the recap. What this show is short on: characters! So welcome Kimberly! You are so mean and saucy! Are you here to flirt with the English teacher?

Oh, the old babysit-a-fake-baby plotline. Did they do this on Veronica Mars? It was on something recently, and was much funnier. I actually had to babysit an egg when I was in grade six. We were single parents (no awkward pairing with my crush), and I had to take the egg to the bowling alley for gym class.

Adriana and Naomi have a kinda nice scene as BFFs. Principal KansasWalsh and Mom-to-Naomi finally talk about their love child. Annie’s audition for the horror movie is so BAD that Audriana’s coked-out audition is better. Yup. I agree casting agent: I would never hire that girl to act in anything cuz she sux.

Commercial break and we’re back with my favorite pop song of the moment: “Hot n Cold” by Katy Perry. Naomi pretends to be over Ethan as E and Annie hang out at the Peach Pit, not drinking Dr. Pepper. Did Dr. P cancel its product placement deal? They appear to be drinking iced tea.

Over at Kelly Taylor’s apartment: Silver is painting ONE of Kelly’s living-room walls black! When Kelly’s only gone for two weeks?? Silver is so alternative and cool. She likes horror movies and knows lots of annoying trivia and paints things black. She is, like Grandma Wilson, letting her “freak flag fly.”

Back with Principal Wilson and NaomiMum. Totally yawn-worthy conversation about whether or not to hire the P.I. to find the birth son. Maybe they will hire Keith Mars! He’s the best in the business. I think Principal Wilson is my least favorite character on the show. Second least; forgot about Annie for a blessed second. Whoops.

Naomi and Audriana’s stage mom have a nice little chat about how Naomi could look better with straight hair (maybe?) over some iced tea. (More iced tea. What is up with this ep?) Audriana is totally off celebrating, Dina Lohan–wannabe mom. Celebrating by doing lines of cocaine off a dashboard. Not sexy, guys. Coke is not sexy. You can tell because A’s hair is all messy and her eyes are all red. She needs more than Visine to clean that look up. She needs an intervention in the quad.

K, so it’s only 15 minutes into the episode and I’m kinda enjoying it. It’s way better than last week’s. Maybe the new Nine-Oh kids needed Kelly Taylor to bugger off in order to shine.

Dixon does not like horror movies. Oh man, he fell asleep and is late for his curfew and he didn’t even get to bust out his four-year-old wallet condom! Grandma is roaming the halls of the Wilson mansion carrying Pepto and booze. Excellent. Why is WilsonMom freaking out? Dixon has a cell phone. She could CALL him and say get your ass home. Cultural reference fail with the “Baby in the corner” joke — kind of the first time the actual lameness of the parents has been adequately appreciated by the kids and grandma.

Silver continues to be oh-so-countercultural: who invites their English teacher/sister’s ex-bf to their cemetary half-birthday party? What the eff? Who says “rents” anymore? Who ever said it without a heavy ironic tone?

Naomi’s mom (her name is Tracy!) has one really weird eye. Also she’s hot for principal. I did not see that coming. At all. What a surprise. New girl Kim is really hot for teacher. And says, “Touché.” (Who says, “Touché”?)

I don’t get New Girl Kim’s deal. She talks too much, thinks she’s clever, misbehaves and is looking for party favors? Oh. Maybe I just got her deal. She is a narc undercover! She and the English teacher will totally have a relationship and we’ll think it’s creepy but then! we’ll find out she’s a grown-up. That would be a good plot, non?

Cops raid the high school. Does that happen in real life? Naomi needs to learn how to be stealthy. Staring down a cop while obviously hiding something in your hands is a fail. She basically did the tip-toe cat burglar walk into the girls bathroom. Sigh.

Naomi and Audriana have a heart-to-heart in N’s ransacked bedroom. They are both wearing plaid shirts. Naomi’s red plaid shirt is actually kinda nice. I would wear that in a second. Audriana, on the other hand, has a crazy bad hairdo and ugly shirt. Audriana is totally bailing on N since her mom is pretty crappy at being a mom! Here’s a cake but you can’t have any, fatty! BTW, we are so broke.

Poor Ramones! Silver loves them. Boo. The forced joviality between the friend gang is tiresome. Pas de chemistry amongst these youngsters.

Why does Principal Walsh tell his wife everything? I would not have told my wife that my ex tried to make out with me in my office. (Oh. Is that why I’m single?) His wife should move back to Kansas if she misses it so much.

Naomi’s expression when she realizes Audriana’s not coming and she may go to juvie: the best face she’s made since she saw her dad making out with the mistress. It’s like she may barf and she’s really angry but she’s still trying to look sexy all at the same time. It’s magical, really. I’m going to try to make that reaction face next time someone tells me something life changing. It will totally ruin the moment.

OMG, I was SO right about the narc business!

How annoying are Annie and Ethan to be talking about Brangelina and how they are not-dating during the movie? I would shush them a lot. And who gets up at the very last minute of Psycho and runs over to their friends helping to ruin a near kissy moment? Geez.

OK. The ending of the episode? Kinda good! Was that a weird cover of that “Smile Like You Mean It” song by the Killers? I liked it. The two close-ups of Audriana with her shirt off while the medics try to bring her back to life? Unnecessary! But not surprising! Anyway, it was a good mix of scary-medic-time and Naomi leaving that “you’re dead to me” voicemail for her. Nice job, Team NineOh! A great set-up for more Naomi reaction shots next week.

Overall rating: B+! Best episode since the pilot. A total upturn for the show, I must say. There were enjoyable moments. In the world of TV, still total crap, still not really worth watching, but in the world of this show: congratulations!

But if this show is still on next season on the CW, and Privileged is not? I will have cause to make Naomi’s barfy-angry-sexy face.

2 thoughts on “my 90210pinions: Hollywood Forever

  1. I totally agree with you — sadly, I was entertained by this week’s 90210 in a not-everything-in-this-episode-is-completely-terrible way. I do hope that Adrianna’s dead and that Naomi goes crazy. I’ll be sad if there’s therapists and depression and laying in bed all day in the dark and interventions and blah blah. Give me bitchy insane girl, please.

  2. Naomi going crazy is truly the answer for this show. She can be the Emily Valentine of this generation. Lighting floats on fire in the Wilson driveway.

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